I found home. You're my home. Stay with me.

I love that you know me already. I love your facial expressions and the way you break out into random voices that just make me giggle. Its perfect. I love the way you say my name and how you call me baby. I love how you  want to tell me things, you dont feel obligated to tell me but you want me to know.I love your smile and your laugh. I love that we laugh at all the same things. I love how we agree on almost everything. I love the amount of friendly flirting that assures me you are still interested. I love the way I can talk to you for hours and not get bored. I love the things we talk about. I absolutely love the way that you care and how you continually show me that you care. I love our awkward moments, I love how they never really are that awkward. I love the way you smell and how it lingers on my clothes, my blankets, my pillows and in the drivers seat of my car, its like I am always with you. I love how when you hug me, I feel so warm, so safe, so secure and alright. I love when you smile, laugh and look at me, your eyes shine, they light up brighter than the sun. I love that our hands fit together perfectly and that you hold my hand the way thats comfortable for me, even though it bothers you. I love that you are protective over me, I may not let you see it but it means the world to me, it makes me feel important. I love the way you are always concerned about my well being, it reminds me you care. I love that we can be so cliche. I love that you make me smile and laugh with the simplest of things. I love how you trust me and how I trust you. I love that even though you are miles away, I know that if I needed you, I could call, you would answer and it would all slowly get better. I love that feeling that you are always lingering, that you are always close by, that you may not be here physically but I can feel you spiritually . I love that I get to call you mine. I love that I get the chance to know you. I love that I am still learning, its a process and I have no need to rush through it all because I wouldnt mind spending forever by your side.
Emily, you are different than all that came before, you are the one that changes everything. You are the game changer. You are the one that my heart beats for, my soul urns for and my head thinks for. You are everything to me. I love you, everything about you, every scar, every flaw, every mistake, every second of your past, every thing that makes you you. I love it all. I will never stop. You make me giddy and cute. You are amazing. You are so important to me, and words cant start to describe how important you are to me.

I love you Emily Elizabeth Lucero. 

-Nikki <3

Hope. Hold On, Pain Ends.

Hope, a simple four letter word that has a lot of meaning, a lot of power. Hope, it is what my girlfriend gives me. At one point in my life, I lost all hope, hope was a word without any meaning but every since that Wednesday at Starbucks, Hope is all that i've had, hope that things will get better, with her they do. Hope that I can survive another day without a suicide attempt, I have. Hope that maybe someone can actually care, commit and make me feel like the only girl in the world, with her that is what I get. With her hope rings strong in my mind. She gives me the hope that fairy tales are real, that love actually exisit. That two people can become one in this world, two people can devote so much time and energy into each other and not have a terrible end. With her, I get so much more than I could have ever asked for, with her everything is so different. I talked about moving in with girls in the past but that was plans for a few years away, if we actually made it through things, with her, I want her to be the girl that I kiss good night every night, the one that I wake up to and kiss good morning, make breakfast for, the girl that I tell everything to, the girl that when I have a bad day, I know that it wont end badly because that night I will fall asleep in her arms. I actually couldnt see myself with anyone else in the entire world, I dont think anyone is as worth it as her. I dont think I have ever thought anyone was actually worth it, because with her I dont ever want to give up, I was put to the test over the weekend, the chance to walk away and blame something that she was or wasnt going to do, it was the escape route and look here I am telling you all that I want to live with her, I want to spend all the time I can with her. I want to just be around her all the time. Not one girl before have I wanted to spend every day with, normally I am like bitch please I saw you two days in a row, no need to see you today. But with her, it hurts not to see her every day, with her I want to just see her even if its only for minutes, it would be better than going an entire day without her. It would be better than not seeing her smile at all that day. She gives me these feelings that I cant even explain. I wish I could because than the world could read what she does to me but I guess the love I feel for her will just have to stay indescribable. This girl has got me hooked, and I hope that we both never let go. She means the world to me, she has given me life, she has given me the ability to breathe without it hurting. I hope I give her hope for better days, I hope that I mean just a fraction to her of what she means to me. I hope that I give her feelings that no one else has given her. I hope that this this love of ours last a lifetime because without her, life would have no meaning. That is what she does to me, she gives me a reason to live, she gave me life with a meaning. She makes it easier to stay alive and be on this planet. She is amazing. She is so much more than anyone could ever see. She is everything and more.

I love you baby.

-Nikki. <3

This weekend: Laughter, tears, shattered glass, broken skin and ten times more feelings.

This weekend started Friday night, when I didnt think that I was going to get to see you. You came to SRQ, you did it all without me having to get you, you made the effort and that made me feel like I wasn't the only one trying, it finally made all the doubt that I had go away, I was finally able to just know that you were actually in this for me, no other reason, I knew that you wanted this and didnt just feel like it was your job to keep me happy and dating me was that way. I finally let go of my last fear, I finally just was blissfully happy, nothing else. It was you and I together, perfectly. All Saturday, I had this illusion that we were perfect, but to be honest in the back of my mind, I knew no good would come of getting Brittney because you two were already butting heads, than her want to try something new, was the exact moment that I saw all of us crashing down, every single one of us breaking down. I saw the worse, I wanted to stop it right than and there, take both of you home and just have a Paige and Nikki day. Oh, why didnt I, well its simple because if we cant break down in front of each other, we are no good for each other, if we cant fight and make up, see where the other person is coming from we shouldnt be together. I wasnt testing you at all. This all just happened, this all just fell apart but to be honest I am okay with it happening because it proved to me that you are literally my everything and more, you walking away crushed me, you cutting made me just die inside. Every word said had me either falling apart yet holding on because I knew in my heart that I couldnt lose you, I knew that I was going to have to be the less stubborn on and get of my ass and make things better. I had to fix you because honestly I can fix myself in seconds, I am the voice that tears myself apart but I am also the voice that knows what to say to build myself back up. I had to go make you see, not tell you, I had to make you see that I was willing to put in the effort to fixing things, that I wanted to fix them. I had to make you see that you are the only one for me and that I am not walking out of your life, I may walk away but thats to clear my head because if I stick around than I may say something that I will regret. I walk away to build myself back up. I walk away because I know that I am wrong. I walk away to cry. Baby through all of this, we are still together, I am still hopelessly falling for you, I am now more than sure that you are the only one that I want and need. You are my everything. you say that you arent good enough but you made me say no to the blade once, it may have only been once but I have never not given in to the urge of cutting. I have never stopped cutting for anyone and you make me want to stop, you make me want to get better, you make me want to finally just stop. I cut everyday because its what I have always done baby, I do it out of habit, not out of need. Its a normal to me and you make me want to break the routine. No one has ever made me even say these words. Ask yourself this are you the one who puts a smile on my face, are you the one who makes me laugh when I am being quiet, are you the one who tells me everything is going to be alright and I look to you and say okay, with the belief that it will in my eyes? Are you the one who I want to change for, are you the one who makes me happy? are you the one who I promised to never leave and to alway try my hardest to make happy? If you are all those things (which you are) how could you not be good enough? I love you Emily. I do. I will shout it at the top of my lungs on rooftops. I will write it in the sky with an airplane. I will post it every where I can. You are good enough, you are better than good enough. You are the best, you are better than the best. You are perfect. end of story.

-Nikki <3

Three small words that mean so much.

"Those words. they roll of my tongue with ease. I love you. They come out so light and refreshing. I say them cause that's how my heart feels. My heart knows that your good enough it tells me that your more than good enough. You have become the most important person in my life. And I'm okay with that. I let you in on things brittney doesn't know, you find out things before Rosie. You dont always have to have the perfect words to fix me. Just tell me its okay. That youre here. Just your touch says all. I'm not leaving. I'm here to stay. Just smile baby. You take my breathe away. You told me I was allowed to say them. I say them cause I mean them cause I can handle them. "

My girlfriend is perfect and she says she isnt any good with words but look up there, those words were overaly perfect, they were words that assured me that I never have to feel like I am not good enough. She loves me and I love her with all of my heart. I fell fast and hard but it's okay because she is the best one, she is the one that I believe that I searched long and hard for, the one that I my heart longed for. She is my other half, I swear. I swear that this will work because it's so meant to be. I have never felt the things, I feel for her, for anyone or anything. She gives me this passion, this strength, this want to be the best me that I can be for her, she gives me that feeling of finally being important to someone, finally meaning something to someone and finally giving, caring about someone else over everything else. She makes me melt with just a look. She gave me back the belief that the fairytales I read, the endless amounts of love stories, the pages filled with this endless, timeless, worth-something love can actually be true, a reality, my reality. In reply to her text message above, I said " Just come her and lay with me. Do everything with me. I don't want to spend so much time without you. Baby, I'll find a way to stay, i'll work six jobs if that keeps me here in town with you. I'll do everything I can because all I want to do is spend my life every day with you. The thought of being without you, is so painfully aggravating. I know it all happened so fast but the books I've read the fairytales, they all say the same thing that love happens in the blink of an eye, that it doesnt matter how long you've known this person, if love is meant to be it was there before you even said hello. Snow white and Prince Charming didnt know each other but he kissed her, awakened her, saved her from her curse. Cinderella and her prince fell in love in one night before the stroke of midnight, a glass slipper was all that she left for him to find her. Aladdin and Jasmine two complete opposites but in the fight to stay alive and ger to find her freedom, they trusted each other with everything. Jack and Rose a love that couldnt end, started with him telling her, if she jumped he did too. Ron and hermione they hated each other, couldnt stand the other at first but in the end that didnt matter. All of these stories give me faith, in every one of them someone felt like they werent good enough but still their love was strong enough. At some point in my life I forgot that I used to believe in every single happily ever after but the day at starbucksI started to remember that all I ever wanted was a story book love and with you, I get that. With you. I feel that with you, I know that its all going to be okay. That we can do this together, you are good enough for me and I am good enough for you for that reason.
 Her reply was " You are perfect beyond perfect, you steal my words from my mind and mt heart, you make everything okay. Just me and you forever. I wanna have you by my side. I'll work forever if that means I can keep you here with me I want the happy ever after story ending."
My reply, " Baby, I think that's what we will get because I will work forever and a day if it means I get to wake up the next day and still get to call you mine. I will do whatever it takes to always be sure that every day you are by my side and my hand is safely home wrapped in yours. If everyday I fight the world to get the chance to fall asleep next to you, to kiss you, to hold you close, to hold your head up hig than it's all worth it. the feelings I have for you are so strongso real nothing I've ever felt before."
This girl, this wonderful girl gives me this hope that no one has ever given me before, she is my everything, she puts the sun in my day, the stars in my night sky. She makes me believe that love and this feeling are oh so real. The way I feel about her is something that my words can't even describe. She litterally means everything and more to me.
The way she looks at me, makes me melt, each kiss sends electricity through my spine. Each touch, makes my heart skips beats and speed up faster than before. Her words have this effect on me that no ones words ever have had. I never listen to a damn word people say because I have only ever cared about myself, and the way I thought of myself, what I wanted. Her words rush through my brain, move into every part, they erase the bad and fill the spaces with good. Her words consume my thoughts like nothing ever has before. She says she isnt perfect, but if she saw herself through my eyes, she wouldnt see a damn flaw... she would see this ray of light shining down on her, bringing warmth, happiness, strength to every thing around her. She is so much more then she gives herself credit for. She thinks that she has to keep everyone happy but all everyone wants is to see her happy, that would make them happy. When she smiles, its like the entire world just stops to stare... time freezes. Nothing moves. Life is still and all you can see is her smile. Her smile is the best thing in this entire world. When I look into her eyes, I see the pain, I see the loss, I see the strive to be perfect for everyone, I see her holding on even though she is falling apart, it kills me inside, but I also she this love, this hope, this little glimmer of happiness, Its small but oh, how it shines through. She is so amazing,  I wish that she could understand. I wish that she would see what I see. I wish that I could make her see herself, how I see her because if she could she would know that she is perfect for me and that she is way better than just good enough. I love her. I love every little thing about her.

I am going to shut up though for two reasons, this is so long... and embarassing and two the bell is going to ring and I am going to have to go to my next class.

I love you Emily. Elizabeth.

-Nikki.<3

You make me smile.

You make me smile, and all I want to do is make you smile and feel the happiness that you give me. I want to be able to hug you and you to feel like it's all going to be okay. I want to make you have this feeling that gives you this endless happiness.
I just want you to be happy. And I want to be the reason. 

Every Word You Say, Takes My Breathe Away.

"Laying down and trying to sleep for the second time. And before I couldn't find a spot or postion that smelled like you or even reminded me of your presence but this time, this time was different. I layed down and for just a moment I thought you were right next to me. I could smell you, feel you and felt safe and okay. Im going to sleep again or try. Sweet Dreams baby I hope you feel a little better in the morning." -Emily (My Girlfriend)

In response to that, I couldnt even come up with words because I knew exactly how she felt, I couldnt find a spot on my bed that made me feel like she was right there next to me, that she was somehow there just not pyshically. I couldnt fall asleep it felt wrong not being in her arms, not kissing her right before I drifted of to sleep. I ended up walking out to my car and grabbing two of her jackets, wrapping them around me than slowly drifting of to sleep, it wasnt the same as her being there but it gave me this slight sense that I was safe and that everything would be okay. Last night was one of many nights that I will have to spend alone without her by my side, I know that I can do it, but I still dont want to, I want to fall asleep next to her every night, I want to wake up with her next to me, so I can kiss her good morning. This is all so soon but honestly I wouldnt ask for this any other way because the way she makes me feel could never be replaced or even understood by anyone else in this world. I am falling hard for this girl, I am falling fast, I know that it is safe to fall because I see her falling too. We will catch each other at the bottom. We will be there for each other no matter what. I am attached. I will not let go. I can't let go. I cannot give up the way she makes me feel.
She makes me happy. She makes me feel safe. She makes things okay. She is my everything already.

-Nikki. <3