This weekend started Friday night, when I didnt think that I was going to get to see you. You came to SRQ, you did it all without me having to get you, you made the effort and that made me feel like I wasn't the only one trying, it finally made all the doubt that I had go away, I was finally able to just know that you were actually in this for me, no other reason, I knew that you wanted this and didnt just feel like it was your job to keep me happy and dating me was that way. I finally let go of my last fear, I finally just was blissfully happy, nothing else. It was you and I together, perfectly. All Saturday, I had this illusion that we were perfect, but to be honest in the back of my mind, I knew no good would come of getting Brittney because you two were already butting heads, than her want to try something new, was the exact moment that I saw all of us crashing down, every single one of us breaking down. I saw the worse, I wanted to stop it right than and there, take both of you home and just have a Paige and Nikki day. Oh, why didnt I, well its simple because if we cant break down in front of each other, we are no good for each other, if we cant fight and make up, see where the other person is coming from we shouldnt be together. I wasnt testing you at all. This all just happened, this all just fell apart but to be honest I am okay with it happening because it proved to me that you are literally my everything and more, you walking away crushed me, you cutting made me just die inside. Every word said had me either falling apart yet holding on because I knew in my heart that I couldnt lose you, I knew that I was going to have to be the less stubborn on and get of my ass and make things better. I had to fix you because honestly I can fix myself in seconds, I am the voice that tears myself apart but I am also the voice that knows what to say to build myself back up. I had to go make you see, not tell you, I had to make you see that I was willing to put in the effort to fixing things, that I wanted to fix them. I had to make you see that you are the only one for me and that I am not walking out of your life, I may walk away but thats to clear my head because if I stick around than I may say something that I will regret. I walk away to build myself back up. I walk away because I know that I am wrong. I walk away to cry. Baby through all of this, we are still together, I am still hopelessly falling for you, I am now more than sure that you are the only one that I want and need. You are my everything. you say that you arent good enough but you made me say no to the blade once, it may have only been once but I have never not given in to the urge of cutting. I have never stopped cutting for anyone and you make me want to stop, you make me want to get better, you make me want to finally just stop. I cut everyday because its what I have always done baby, I do it out of habit, not out of need. Its a normal to me and you make me want to break the routine. No one has ever made me even say these words. Ask yourself this are you the one who puts a smile on my face, are you the one who makes me laugh when I am being quiet, are you the one who tells me everything is going to be alright and I look to you and say okay, with the belief that it will in my eyes? Are you the one who I want to change for, are you the one who makes me happy? are you the one who I promised to never leave and to alway try my hardest to make happy? If you are all those things (which you are) how could you not be good enough? I love you Emily. I do. I will shout it at the top of my lungs on rooftops. I will write it in the sky with an airplane. I will post it every where I can. You are good enough, you are better than good enough. You are the best, you are better than the best. You are perfect. end of story.
-Nikki <3
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