baby, you are my world beautiful.

This is Emily. This is the girl that I love, the girl that treats me like a princess, the girl that does almost everything for me. She means everything to me. She is amazing and beautiful and you see that smile up there, that smile could light up the entire world... in fact it lights up my entire world, my universe. you look at that picture up there and you think damn that girl is happy... well its not always like that, she gets sad, mad, upset and sometimes it gets so bad she cries (when she cries its the hardest thing in the world to see, it makes me want to stop time and fix everything and i do everything to make it stop.) This girl looks so strong like she has the world all figured out, but deep inside she doesnt, she gets insecure... ( I hate that because I love everything about her, her entire body its a beautiful masterpiece.) she doesnt always have the answers she wishes she could have... she will always tell you that everything is going to be okay even though when you look in her eyes you can tell she isnt always sure. She breaks down and i know that deep inside she hates that she does, she thinks that she is weak or not good enough because she has these moments that her emotions take over and she cant control everything. But I want her to know, I want her to understand that she is so beautiful scars and all. I want her to understand that her past is her past and its okay that she has one, that its alright to hurt because of the past, its okay to not let me do certain things because of her past. I want her to know that she is good enough and not just because I say it but because she repeatedly shows that she is good enough. She makes me laugh, she makes the tears go away. She makes me feel safe and I havent felt safe since I lived with my uncle when I was four. I want her to know that with everything that happens it will always be her. I will never give up on us, I will never stop fighting because she is the one, the one that I want to spend my every waking moment with. I want to have a life with her, I want marry her, i want to own a house with a gate, have really good jobs, have two kids and like a thousand pets because between the two of us will could never choose just two pets. I want to grow old with her, I want to be that couple that you say damn they are still together. I want that endless love that they only write books about. She is everything and more and I hate that she doesnt believe it but til death due us part every day up to it i will make her see that she is worth the world and then some, i will make her see that she is good enough, that she is better than the best. I love you baby with all of my heart and soul. You are the one and only. you are the answer to all my prayer and all my wishes. 

It you and I against this world but I know with you by my side, we will come out winning. 

Always and forever. 

Your the one, the one I see in my dreams, my future.

So, I dont know what to do right now, I miss you so much... I crave you when your not around... you are only like two miles away but I am stuck at school and you are at my house in the bed we slept in last night. Oh how I wish I was there. You intoxicate me. You make me high. You are the best thing in my life. You make me not be able to breathe. You make my heart race. And this isnt the blog I should be on for what I want to post. BUH.


I love you.

-Nikki.

Lets be hasty, Lets be Reckless. Being with you makes me breathless.

One month today, yup one month today. We have had a ups and to many downs (my fault) but I made it a month with you and well I havent been able to make it a month with anyone in like 9 months. Ive chased girls, switiching one to the next. Making them fall and than leaving for the next. With you, I dont have anyone else that I even want to talk to, you are all I need. You make me happy, You made me fall, You caught me. Last night I realised that you are the only girl that I can be myself and silly with, like I am okay with everything that we do, that is completely out of the normal range of things a 17 and 19 year olds should do. We play on swings, we laugh at stupid jokes, we go to qwiz, we go the the library, we do the most randomest things and I am okay with that. I love that. Emily, in one month I've fallen in love with you, I've given you my ring, I've told you I would take your last name, I've looked at apartments with you. We talked about the future and how to handle ours, what we want for us. You mean so much to me, I dont think you will ever fully know to the full extent of what you mean to me. One month and I know in my heart that you are the always forever. You are the one. I am sure of that. You give me feelings like no other. I want to say so much on here but I cant. Words are just not enough. Not enough at all. My words are weak compared to what I feel.


I love you. I love you. I love you. I really do. Its you, Its only you. I fell for you, Ill stay with you, its my hearts only desire.

-Nikki. <3 4/13/12

(BABY, OUR ONE MONTH IS ON FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH, ITS LIKE ONE OF MY FAVORITE DAYS IN THE YEAR!!! LOL. SORRY I THOUGHT I WOULD TELLYOU! OH AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS, SO MUCH IT WRAPS AROUND ALL THE UNIVERESES OUTSIDE OF OURS,IT GOES TO THE END OF THE VERY LAST ONE THEN LOOPS AROUND AND SWIVELS  AND TURNS AND MOVES ALL AROUND SO THAT IT ALL HAS ROOM. LOL HEHEHE. YEAH.)

Blah Blah Blah...

I realise that I have to fight for you, always, there is no giving up on this, on us, I cant. I gave that ring, a gave you a promise in that ring. I love you and I never want to lose you, so now I must always fight for you no matter what. I gave you that ring, the ring that promises to always be there for you, to love you, to treat you right, to be the one to wipe away your tears not cause them. The girl that makes the bad days better and the good days great. The girl that loves you unconditionally with no regrets, no reasons, I just do. That ring is my safety net when its on my finger, I hate that its not on my finger, I hate it, I miss it because I would just play with it, know that its going to be okay and now my finger is bare, that is the only ring that I have ever worn for four months straight without taking it off, all the other rings Ive had only last a day or so, I hate rings I do but that one and its meaning stayed around my finger, it hugged it so perfectly and now Its on your finger, its keeping you safe. Its keeping a promise to you... I gave it to you with all ententions true. (CANT SPELL RIGHT NOW AND ITS PISSING ME OFF) I mean what it means. I love you and you are my everything, you are the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I have no doubts about that at all. I can't even write right now because I cant. like buh Im going through ring detox. lol. Its so weird not having it there but I know its on the finger it belongs on.

Anyway I am going to stop writing because well I dont know what to really say.

You are kissable and cuddly, you are loveable and sweet.
You thrill me every minute and sweep me off my feet.
You are charming, disarming, desirable and true.
You impress and inspire me and thats just a few reasons of why I love you.

-Nikki.

I am sorry.

I am sorry that I mess things up on the daily, I am sorry that I couldnt tell that you werent okay, I am sorry that I wanted to walk away from everything. I am sorry that I couldnt help you and that I only made things worse. I am sorry that I normally dont help, I hurt. I am sorry that I cant make you happy. I am sorry that your best doesnt make me happy, but please know that your best is good enough, I am just not meant to be happy. It is not allowed. I tried to leave you and I cant, Its like I am not allowed to, its forbidden. Its like after all that you did for me, it would be wrong to leave, I have to stay. There is no other way. We have to move in together, we have to get married, we have to have little rugrats together, we have to grow old together. Its all already written in stone. I have no choose. This all this sounds bad but its how I feel, I am not sure if I want to stay or if its like I have to stay because if I dont the entire universe gets thrown out of wack. Everyone falls apart if we arent together. Its like everyone thinks that after these three fucking weeks we have been together for years. No its not. I think thats what gets me love, that its only been three weeks, Its only been a short period of time and look at us, I am so helplessly in love with you, I would literally do anything for you.. We are talking about moving in together, we are talking about how perfect it would be, but it wont be... we will fight and I will walk out because thats what I do, I leave when things get tough or when I feel to close to someone or when I think that I am worthless. I am not someone you should ever have gotten into a relationship with you should have listened to the warnings, you shouldnt have let me in... You shouldnt have gotten close to me, its not safe for you. Emily Lucero, I love you, I do... I don't want to walk away, I don't want to leave you, I never do. I want to be with you forever but I can't seem to figure out if it's what I want or what I think everyone else wants. And honestly to please everyone I would stay with you, I would stay faithful, I would stay in love with you just because it would make everyone happy, I would slowly lose everything I am and become a lifeless walking zombie type thing with all the happiness sucked out of her but everyone else would be happy and that would be worth it. That sounds terrible, now I feel like you will never be able to trust me, you will never be able to understand why I feel this way, and maybe this will make you see what a fuck up I really am but maybe it wont... I dont know, I wanted you to walk away, I wanted to know that I could actually lose you, but I also wanted you to have a night with your best friend, I wanted her to know that she is still needed. I did it all the wrong way but it all ended up semi okay. I mean I still dont know if I want this for me or if I want it for you and everyone else.

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again.

Baby, you are my everything. And a lot happened tonight and I have so much to say to you. So much to tell you and I will probably cry through writing this and telling you face to face, these words will be written but I think that they must be spoken as well. So here we go...
I love you so much baby. You mean the absolute world to me. Its us against the world. You and I forever and always. Til the day that I die and all of our after lives. You getting arrested tonight made everything hurt. It was the most painfully thing to watch. It made me realize that you are the one I want to spend the rest of my days with for real. I don't need anyone else, I don't need anything but you, as long as I have you my world is complete. You are so amazing and so much more than you think that you are. You got arrested tonight because of me, you just proved to me that I am worth something, I have never felt that way in my entire life. I have always just been worthless, something to walk all over and throw away. But tonight, everything that happened, you wanting to beat the living fuck out of two guys that hurt me, made me feel like I was important, like I meant something, like I was finally not worthless anymore. I know that you have done countless things to make me feel like I was something not nothing, but this tonight hit me hard, I lost you to an officer, I didnt get to say goodbye, it was the worse feeling in the entire world, it killed every part of me. I never want to have to go through that again. I couldn't do anything to get you back, couldn't fight, couldn't talk my way out of it, couldnt do anything. I just had to sit there and just watch the love of my life, the true, the real girl that I plan on spending the rest of my life with get taken away in a cop car. I couldnt stop crying, I couldnt do anything but cry and think of the worse... and now I am on the phone with you, things dont look good. I hear your voice and you say that its going to be okay, but its not okay, nothings okay without you by my side. Your voice gives me some hope but my heart it hurts, my chest is pounding, my head is spinning i dont know what to think or do. I couldnt write any more last night. So now I am going to write a little bit more. Well no Im not cause I am about to leave the house to get money and talk to bail bonds and figure this shit out because all I want is to tell you that I love you. And that you are the most important thing to me. I just want to tell you everything. the feelings I had when I saw you in handcuffs, the feelings I had when you got shoved into a police care and the feelings I had when I heard your voice on the first phone call, you go me through the entire night, even when I wasnt talking to you I was hearing your voice replay, Hello Beautiful. its going to be okay, I love you baby. Over and over again. And every thought I thought was oddly in your voice I loved it.

I will write more later.

-Nikki.

Take my hand, And with it, all I have, all I am, I am forever yours.

I have it all planned out, I have to be strong and work, make money, do everything I can to make this work for us. From this moment on, I will breathe for us, I will work my ass off to get the money that we need. In a little less than two months I will be moving into my own house, with my brother so that we, Emily and I can start our life together. We can spend every night together. Emily you are my motivation. You are everything.  I love you. And I am going to do everything I can to get us into the best position possible.  Once you get out,  I will have the house ready... Peter and I are working hard to get our lives together, he's doing because well he needs to I'm doing it because if I don't I might lose you. My goal is to get you together,  to fix you to put you together. I have to get it together, grow up a bit faster so that we can be together without the issue of parents. It will be hard but I can stand on my own two feet, I can do this. I will do this for us. Baby, you are the most important thing in my life, I know that you want to take care of me but right now, its my turn to take care of you. I have the ability to do it, so I will. You have all of me, for not one person have I actually been like I'm getting shit done to make things better for us. You have this impact on me. You think you aren't good enough but look at what you do to me, you make me want to get my shit together. You make me want to just survive. Breathe. Live. I hope I can do the same for you baby I just want to show you that you are good enough and worth more than diamonds and gold. This is our chance to get things together. We will. Failure is not an option on this one. You are my forever. That's it, I feel it. Its so strong. Its this feeling I can't describe. If you were to get down on one knee with a plastic ring, a rubber band, a pen to draw on a ring, I would say yes, I would say yes ad cry and hug you till you had to push me off. I would say yes because you are worth it. You are the one, the only one that I want to kiss, hold hands with, share a bed with, wake up to and go to sleep to. I want to scream this to the world. I want to tell the entire world that you are the girl I love the one I would marry, have kids with, raise kids with.
Baby I love you and I'm never leaving.  End of story. Stuck with ne til you tell me to leave ad even then ill fight for you. You have all of me.

-Nikki <3