I am sorry.

I am sorry that I mess things up on the daily, I am sorry that I couldnt tell that you werent okay, I am sorry that I wanted to walk away from everything. I am sorry that I couldnt help you and that I only made things worse. I am sorry that I normally dont help, I hurt. I am sorry that I cant make you happy. I am sorry that your best doesnt make me happy, but please know that your best is good enough, I am just not meant to be happy. It is not allowed. I tried to leave you and I cant, Its like I am not allowed to, its forbidden. Its like after all that you did for me, it would be wrong to leave, I have to stay. There is no other way. We have to move in together, we have to get married, we have to have little rugrats together, we have to grow old together. Its all already written in stone. I have no choose. This all this sounds bad but its how I feel, I am not sure if I want to stay or if its like I have to stay because if I dont the entire universe gets thrown out of wack. Everyone falls apart if we arent together. Its like everyone thinks that after these three fucking weeks we have been together for years. No its not. I think thats what gets me love, that its only been three weeks, Its only been a short period of time and look at us, I am so helplessly in love with you, I would literally do anything for you.. We are talking about moving in together, we are talking about how perfect it would be, but it wont be... we will fight and I will walk out because thats what I do, I leave when things get tough or when I feel to close to someone or when I think that I am worthless. I am not someone you should ever have gotten into a relationship with you should have listened to the warnings, you shouldnt have let me in... You shouldnt have gotten close to me, its not safe for you. Emily Lucero, I love you, I do... I don't want to walk away, I don't want to leave you, I never do. I want to be with you forever but I can't seem to figure out if it's what I want or what I think everyone else wants. And honestly to please everyone I would stay with you, I would stay faithful, I would stay in love with you just because it would make everyone happy, I would slowly lose everything I am and become a lifeless walking zombie type thing with all the happiness sucked out of her but everyone else would be happy and that would be worth it. That sounds terrible, now I feel like you will never be able to trust me, you will never be able to understand why I feel this way, and maybe this will make you see what a fuck up I really am but maybe it wont... I dont know, I wanted you to walk away, I wanted to know that I could actually lose you, but I also wanted you to have a night with your best friend, I wanted her to know that she is still needed. I did it all the wrong way but it all ended up semi okay. I mean I still dont know if I want this for me or if I want it for you and everyone else.