Your the one, the one I see in my dreams, my future.

So, I dont know what to do right now, I miss you so much... I crave you when your not around... you are only like two miles away but I am stuck at school and you are at my house in the bed we slept in last night. Oh how I wish I was there. You intoxicate me. You make me high. You are the best thing in my life. You make me not be able to breathe. You make my heart race. And this isnt the blog I should be on for what I want to post. BUH.


I love you.

-Nikki.

Lets be hasty, Lets be Reckless. Being with you makes me breathless.

One month today, yup one month today. We have had a ups and to many downs (my fault) but I made it a month with you and well I havent been able to make it a month with anyone in like 9 months. Ive chased girls, switiching one to the next. Making them fall and than leaving for the next. With you, I dont have anyone else that I even want to talk to, you are all I need. You make me happy, You made me fall, You caught me. Last night I realised that you are the only girl that I can be myself and silly with, like I am okay with everything that we do, that is completely out of the normal range of things a 17 and 19 year olds should do. We play on swings, we laugh at stupid jokes, we go to qwiz, we go the the library, we do the most randomest things and I am okay with that. I love that. Emily, in one month I've fallen in love with you, I've given you my ring, I've told you I would take your last name, I've looked at apartments with you. We talked about the future and how to handle ours, what we want for us. You mean so much to me, I dont think you will ever fully know to the full extent of what you mean to me. One month and I know in my heart that you are the always forever. You are the one. I am sure of that. You give me feelings like no other. I want to say so much on here but I cant. Words are just not enough. Not enough at all. My words are weak compared to what I feel.


I love you. I love you. I love you. I really do. Its you, Its only you. I fell for you, Ill stay with you, its my hearts only desire.

-Nikki. <3 4/13/12

(BABY, OUR ONE MONTH IS ON FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH, ITS LIKE ONE OF MY FAVORITE DAYS IN THE YEAR!!! LOL. SORRY I THOUGHT I WOULD TELLYOU! OH AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS, SO MUCH IT WRAPS AROUND ALL THE UNIVERESES OUTSIDE OF OURS,IT GOES TO THE END OF THE VERY LAST ONE THEN LOOPS AROUND AND SWIVELS  AND TURNS AND MOVES ALL AROUND SO THAT IT ALL HAS ROOM. LOL HEHEHE. YEAH.)

Blah Blah Blah...

I realise that I have to fight for you, always, there is no giving up on this, on us, I cant. I gave that ring, a gave you a promise in that ring. I love you and I never want to lose you, so now I must always fight for you no matter what. I gave you that ring, the ring that promises to always be there for you, to love you, to treat you right, to be the one to wipe away your tears not cause them. The girl that makes the bad days better and the good days great. The girl that loves you unconditionally with no regrets, no reasons, I just do. That ring is my safety net when its on my finger, I hate that its not on my finger, I hate it, I miss it because I would just play with it, know that its going to be okay and now my finger is bare, that is the only ring that I have ever worn for four months straight without taking it off, all the other rings Ive had only last a day or so, I hate rings I do but that one and its meaning stayed around my finger, it hugged it so perfectly and now Its on your finger, its keeping you safe. Its keeping a promise to you... I gave it to you with all ententions true. (CANT SPELL RIGHT NOW AND ITS PISSING ME OFF) I mean what it means. I love you and you are my everything, you are the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I have no doubts about that at all. I can't even write right now because I cant. like buh Im going through ring detox. lol. Its so weird not having it there but I know its on the finger it belongs on.

Anyway I am going to stop writing because well I dont know what to really say.

You are kissable and cuddly, you are loveable and sweet.
You thrill me every minute and sweep me off my feet.
You are charming, disarming, desirable and true.
You impress and inspire me and thats just a few reasons of why I love you.

-Nikki.

I am sorry.

I am sorry that I mess things up on the daily, I am sorry that I couldnt tell that you werent okay, I am sorry that I wanted to walk away from everything. I am sorry that I couldnt help you and that I only made things worse. I am sorry that I normally dont help, I hurt. I am sorry that I cant make you happy. I am sorry that your best doesnt make me happy, but please know that your best is good enough, I am just not meant to be happy. It is not allowed. I tried to leave you and I cant, Its like I am not allowed to, its forbidden. Its like after all that you did for me, it would be wrong to leave, I have to stay. There is no other way. We have to move in together, we have to get married, we have to have little rugrats together, we have to grow old together. Its all already written in stone. I have no choose. This all this sounds bad but its how I feel, I am not sure if I want to stay or if its like I have to stay because if I dont the entire universe gets thrown out of wack. Everyone falls apart if we arent together. Its like everyone thinks that after these three fucking weeks we have been together for years. No its not. I think thats what gets me love, that its only been three weeks, Its only been a short period of time and look at us, I am so helplessly in love with you, I would literally do anything for you.. We are talking about moving in together, we are talking about how perfect it would be, but it wont be... we will fight and I will walk out because thats what I do, I leave when things get tough or when I feel to close to someone or when I think that I am worthless. I am not someone you should ever have gotten into a relationship with you should have listened to the warnings, you shouldnt have let me in... You shouldnt have gotten close to me, its not safe for you. Emily Lucero, I love you, I do... I don't want to walk away, I don't want to leave you, I never do. I want to be with you forever but I can't seem to figure out if it's what I want or what I think everyone else wants. And honestly to please everyone I would stay with you, I would stay faithful, I would stay in love with you just because it would make everyone happy, I would slowly lose everything I am and become a lifeless walking zombie type thing with all the happiness sucked out of her but everyone else would be happy and that would be worth it. That sounds terrible, now I feel like you will never be able to trust me, you will never be able to understand why I feel this way, and maybe this will make you see what a fuck up I really am but maybe it wont... I dont know, I wanted you to walk away, I wanted to know that I could actually lose you, but I also wanted you to have a night with your best friend, I wanted her to know that she is still needed. I did it all the wrong way but it all ended up semi okay. I mean I still dont know if I want this for me or if I want it for you and everyone else.

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again.

Baby, you are my everything. And a lot happened tonight and I have so much to say to you. So much to tell you and I will probably cry through writing this and telling you face to face, these words will be written but I think that they must be spoken as well. So here we go...
I love you so much baby. You mean the absolute world to me. Its us against the world. You and I forever and always. Til the day that I die and all of our after lives. You getting arrested tonight made everything hurt. It was the most painfully thing to watch. It made me realize that you are the one I want to spend the rest of my days with for real. I don't need anyone else, I don't need anything but you, as long as I have you my world is complete. You are so amazing and so much more than you think that you are. You got arrested tonight because of me, you just proved to me that I am worth something, I have never felt that way in my entire life. I have always just been worthless, something to walk all over and throw away. But tonight, everything that happened, you wanting to beat the living fuck out of two guys that hurt me, made me feel like I was important, like I meant something, like I was finally not worthless anymore. I know that you have done countless things to make me feel like I was something not nothing, but this tonight hit me hard, I lost you to an officer, I didnt get to say goodbye, it was the worse feeling in the entire world, it killed every part of me. I never want to have to go through that again. I couldn't do anything to get you back, couldn't fight, couldn't talk my way out of it, couldnt do anything. I just had to sit there and just watch the love of my life, the true, the real girl that I plan on spending the rest of my life with get taken away in a cop car. I couldnt stop crying, I couldnt do anything but cry and think of the worse... and now I am on the phone with you, things dont look good. I hear your voice and you say that its going to be okay, but its not okay, nothings okay without you by my side. Your voice gives me some hope but my heart it hurts, my chest is pounding, my head is spinning i dont know what to think or do. I couldnt write any more last night. So now I am going to write a little bit more. Well no Im not cause I am about to leave the house to get money and talk to bail bonds and figure this shit out because all I want is to tell you that I love you. And that you are the most important thing to me. I just want to tell you everything. the feelings I had when I saw you in handcuffs, the feelings I had when you got shoved into a police care and the feelings I had when I heard your voice on the first phone call, you go me through the entire night, even when I wasnt talking to you I was hearing your voice replay, Hello Beautiful. its going to be okay, I love you baby. Over and over again. And every thought I thought was oddly in your voice I loved it.

I will write more later.

-Nikki.

Take my hand, And with it, all I have, all I am, I am forever yours.

I have it all planned out, I have to be strong and work, make money, do everything I can to make this work for us. From this moment on, I will breathe for us, I will work my ass off to get the money that we need. In a little less than two months I will be moving into my own house, with my brother so that we, Emily and I can start our life together. We can spend every night together. Emily you are my motivation. You are everything.  I love you. And I am going to do everything I can to get us into the best position possible.  Once you get out,  I will have the house ready... Peter and I are working hard to get our lives together, he's doing because well he needs to I'm doing it because if I don't I might lose you. My goal is to get you together,  to fix you to put you together. I have to get it together, grow up a bit faster so that we can be together without the issue of parents. It will be hard but I can stand on my own two feet, I can do this. I will do this for us. Baby, you are the most important thing in my life, I know that you want to take care of me but right now, its my turn to take care of you. I have the ability to do it, so I will. You have all of me, for not one person have I actually been like I'm getting shit done to make things better for us. You have this impact on me. You think you aren't good enough but look at what you do to me, you make me want to get my shit together. You make me want to just survive. Breathe. Live. I hope I can do the same for you baby I just want to show you that you are good enough and worth more than diamonds and gold. This is our chance to get things together. We will. Failure is not an option on this one. You are my forever. That's it, I feel it. Its so strong. Its this feeling I can't describe. If you were to get down on one knee with a plastic ring, a rubber band, a pen to draw on a ring, I would say yes, I would say yes ad cry and hug you till you had to push me off. I would say yes because you are worth it. You are the one, the only one that I want to kiss, hold hands with, share a bed with, wake up to and go to sleep to. I want to scream this to the world. I want to tell the entire world that you are the girl I love the one I would marry, have kids with, raise kids with.
Baby I love you and I'm never leaving.  End of story. Stuck with ne til you tell me to leave ad even then ill fight for you. You have all of me.

-Nikki <3

To much time to much effort to much love to much is already put into this

So I’m here at your house. But I have never felt so distant from the person I love so much. I feel selfish for just wanting you attention, your love and affection. I feel like I currently don’t deserve it. Like I should be sitting in a cell somewhere waiting for my bed to be ready. Or waiting to head to yard or something.. Like I should be writing you a letter telling you that I miss you and just wanna hold you.. I don’t feel like I deserve you.. I don’t feel like I should get to be around you.. But I just wanna hold you. I wanna tell you that I love you and that you really are the one I wanna be with.. You break so many of your own rules of who you wont be with.. This is me. The rule breaker.. The damaged. The no good. Never good enough.. The drop out dead beat.. The jobless. The one that mommy said was destined for a jail cell.. The one no one waste there time with.. The one that doesn’t feel good enough.. The one that wish death would show up at her door. The one that fights the want to cut. The one that looks in the mirror but can’t do it for too long cause it breaks me.. I’m broken and no good.. I feel like it’s really just a matter of time before you understand that I’m not good enough.. I just feel like this time of me being in jail will show you what everyone else knows.. That I waasnt worth waiting for. My thought is who in there right mind would want to sit around and wait for someone that’s just a fuck up. My dad told me daily that I was nothing and no good. That I would never get anywhere.. I mean come on hes right. I’m sitting in my girlfriends house just days before I have to turn my self in for something that as of April 22 will be a year old. This time last year I was worryed about getting fucked up. About the next high.. I was worried about how many hours before the weekend before the next drink I was worried about being a kid.. Now I sit here worrying about the girl I wanna call mine. The girl that I gotta leave behind. The girl that just wants me to stay. I don’t know how to tell her not to leave.. I don’t know what to say to make her stay.. I don’t know if anything I say will make her stay.. I don’t know that I have to words to hold her over till i come home.. When I miss someone so much it hurts I get angry.. I don’t like missing people..



This is what my girlfriend wrote on her blog, and I wrote a letter that was quite similar except that I was giving up in the letter, I had to write it to see if I could actually write it and be okay with it, okay with her reading it, I wasnt. I couldnt just leave her, I could just be like yeah bro I am done. Because this girl that I get to call mine on the daily is my hero, my best friend, my girlfriend, my life, my everything, the one that i would mind spending the rest of my days with. You say that you are a fuck up and no good and worthless and what not but you arent any of those things, a year ago maybe, maybe you were so lost that you didnt know what you where doing, all you saw it as was finding yourself. So what you got caught up in a bunch of bullshit and so what you are dealing with something that happened a year ago now. It doesnt fucking matter at all, seriously, you are an amazing person, you in my eyes are completely changed from when I first met you. You are so different from everyone in my life, you could be brillant, you are just lazy, I know that is a blow but its true. Stop fucking saying shit about yourself, if you dont like something change it. If it has to do with you than you can change it. You are jobless, get out of jail and get a job. You arent worth something, make yourself worth something. Think people dont like you, dont give a fuck. People dont waste time on you, believe me if you were a waste of my time I would be long gone. you said this post would make me cry and for a second I thought oh its sad, tear tear but no its more pissing me off because you think that I am just going to walk away when your in jail, I told you that I would wait for you. I told you that when you got out I would be here. You make me break so many of my god damn rules and that has to count for something. You are damaged, yeah so is everyone else. You think you have it bad, someone has it worse. Its not bad enough yet em, there are people starving, homeless, jobless. There are people who get beaten on the daily by someone who told them they loved them, there are people who are a long way from home and people that love them trying to make it on their own or fighting for our freedom. There are people that have never once seen there real parents and you take yours for granted, I do to mine to but thats what happens when both parent use you as a punching bag and still do. People have been wrongly accussed and are sitting in prison for 25 to life. People are so doped up right now they couldnt tell you their name. Emily, I love you to death but stop feeling sorry for yourself, you can fix the things you dont like, you have the power to do that. End of story.
You are worring about me, me leaving... Well thats dumb. I am not going anywhere. For one you know way to much, I have to keep you around now. For two, I love you. I dont walk out on the ones I love unless they have given me no other choice. You sit there and cant come up with the words to make me stay, I told you as long as you were trying, I was staying. As long as I get a phone call, a letter. Just one in those 45 days it will keep me hanging on til I can be in your arms again. You gave me hope, and now that hope is telling me to hang on, hope for better days to come, hope that it will be alright because once you get back, we can figure out what we are doing, if we can move in together, if we want to, where we want. We can get it all ready. You my dear, will not lose me, but if you think that you have to say something to make me stay, than say the words that are on your mind, when you see me smile, laugh. Say the words that you think of when my car pulls into your driveway and I am finally by your side again, say the words you would say if I was on my death bed, tell me how you really feel, lay it all out. Give me your all because Im giving you mine. You make me happy and anyone else i wouldnt find the strength to hold on to through this, you are different. Your words will hold me over, thats all we have in this world, is words to go by. This is a test of if this is real, if neither of us break and give up than we win, if we break give up stop fighting to be together, than we never deserved each other. I wish that I could make you see that you are so much more to me than just this broken mess to fix, thats not how I look at it at all, I see this strong indpendent fighter. The one who never gives up, a stubborn hardheaded amazing beautiful girl. The one who I could spend every second with and never find it a waste of time. Time spent with you is time well spent.

I love you, This post probably made you a bit angry but maybe it will clear your head, make you see a little but more than the blinders allow now.

-Nikki. <3

45 days without you.

45 days is a long time, in fact that seems like forever and a day but I understand that this must happened and that it will only make us stronger. This post is to assure you that I will be okay and that 45 days will not make me leave. You are the only one who I would do this for, the only one I would wait for.  A long time ago, I promised myself that I would never stay in a relationship with someone who is going to jail or someone who likes to break every single god damn rule that the government has made, but the feelings you give me override that rule, that rule means nothing because if I walk away from you than I am pretty sure that I will be leaving the one, the actual one, the one that I was meant to be with. You make everything okay with just the simple words, "its going to be okay.", When I am crying you wipe away my tears and make me laugh, you constantly show me that you care, you constantly remind me that I am pretty, you constantly remind me that I am good enough, and I am actaully starting to believe it, you make me feel good enough, you make me feel like I am worth something, i am important. You are so different from every one else in this world. You seem to be scared that I am wont be here when you get out, baby, I will be waiting every single second for you. I will be thinking about you and only you. No one else compares to you, no one else could ever replace you. You have the key to my heart. You have everything. You are my everything. You are my world. You are the reason why I am breathing. You mean so much to me and 45 days will not be the death of this relationship, of this love, of this amazing greatness that we are. I promise you that.
Now, I know you dont want to hear this but you have to because you always ask me to tell you everything and well, I told you I would so here it is, 45 days gives you time to look at all the stupid shit I have pulled in a different light, it gives you time to think about other girls, time to realize that I am not perfect, that I may not be your "one" I may not be your second half. I know this sounds crazy but sometimes this is how it happens, (i've read way to many books) Sometimes what you think you want is clouded by the shit going on around you, than when you are isolated, taken away from all of those surroundings, you can see clearly, you can see what you didnt when you were so close. I am by far no where near perfect, I make mistakes, I have flaws, I dont know how to handle gifts and people spending money on me. I hate that I cant function like a normal human being, that I am broken, that my mind is so fucked. I hate it but its me unfortunatily. I have to deal with the mess, but you dont, you can still back out, you can still leave, everyone else does, so why not you, why would this time away from me, make you not rethink things, I know that you tried to tell me this wont happen, but in reality it is a posibility. I love you with all of my heart and than some but this is how I feel, you want it all and I am giving you it all, I have never not once done this, let someone see every little part of me. You are the first to look inside me and not just see right through me. Emily, you will never understand how much you mean to me, how much I love you, how important you are to me, how amazing I think you are, how you could do anything and I wouldnt walk away because you have to fight for things you cant go a day without the thought of them, so Im going to have to cause WORLD WAR 3, for you, to fight for you, because you are the thought on my mind every second of my day, you are there in my dreams, you are there when I wake up, when I stretch, get dressed, eat drive go to school, shower work sleep, you are every where, every thought. Everything I do reminds me of you. I find you in the simplest of things, when certain songs come on, when I walk the halls of my school because once I was on the phone with you, when I eat anything I can hear you tell me how gross I am. I hear you voice all the time, it tells me to keep strong. Baby, you light up my world like nobody else. You are the stars in my night sky, and the blue in my day. You are the most important person in my life, you find out things before Paige and Tj, you know things that they dont know. You have all my secrets, you have every thought, I am giving you my all and I wont stop, I wont give up til the day that I take my last breath and even than my last words will be "it was always you emily." 45 days is nothing, it will be hard but it will be alright, We can do it. I can stay strong, I will cry, we both know this but its okay, it will be okay. Ill pick myself up and make it all better. Please know that when you get home, I will be permentantly attachted to you, so that you can't do anything else that will take you away from me, and when I cant be around, you will hear my voice being like "Hey you yeah you rule breaker, shouldnt you be abiding by the laws... huh huh, or do you want to get taken away from your girlfriend and see her cry again, and spend nights alone, crying and weeping consuming large amounts of ice cream that she cant eat because it makes her super sick. you wanna do that again huh huh? Its up to you, break the law or just keep walking, walking back to your girlfriend. Your choice." Yeah that is what you are going to hear.
Baby, I love you and I miss you already. Please be good and stay safe. Come back home to me in one piece and by June 2. Really honestly I want you home as soon as possible, you are missing a shit ton of stuff already but be home as soon as possible. I love you to much for you to be gone this long. Im having my grad party before graduation most likely please be out for it. Maybe maybe not, lol alochol will be involved. So maybe not.

Anywho, I love you. Text me when you read this. Buh you are the best thing in my entire life, in my entire 17 years of existence you by far are the best thing that has ever been in my life.

-Nikki. <3