So I’m here at your house. But I have never felt so distant from the person I love so much. I feel selfish for just wanting you attention, your love and affection. I feel like I currently don’t deserve it. Like I should be sitting in a cell somewhere waiting for my bed to be ready. Or waiting to head to yard or something.. Like I should be writing you a letter telling you that I miss you and just wanna hold you.. I don’t feel like I deserve you.. I don’t feel like I should get to be around you.. But I just wanna hold you. I wanna tell you that I love you and that you really are the one I wanna be with.. You break so many of your own rules of who you wont be with.. This is me. The rule breaker.. The damaged. The no good. Never good enough.. The drop out dead beat.. The jobless. The one that mommy said was destined for a jail cell.. The one no one waste there time with.. The one that doesn’t feel good enough.. The one that wish death would show up at her door. The one that fights the want to cut. The one that looks in the mirror but can’t do it for too long cause it breaks me.. I’m broken and no good.. I feel like it’s really just a matter of time before you understand that I’m not good enough.. I just feel like this time of me being in jail will show you what everyone else knows.. That I waasnt worth waiting for. My thought is who in there right mind would want to sit around and wait for someone that’s just a fuck up. My dad told me daily that I was nothing and no good. That I would never get anywhere.. I mean come on hes right. I’m sitting in my girlfriends house just days before I have to turn my self in for something that as of April 22 will be a year old. This time last year I was worryed about getting fucked up. About the next high.. I was worried about how many hours before the weekend before the next drink I was worried about being a kid.. Now I sit here worrying about the girl I wanna call mine. The girl that I gotta leave behind. The girl that just wants me to stay. I don’t know how to tell her not to leave.. I don’t know what to say to make her stay.. I don’t know if anything I say will make her stay.. I don’t know that I have to words to hold her over till i come home.. When I miss someone so much it hurts I get angry.. I don’t like missing people..
This is what my girlfriend wrote on her blog, and I wrote a letter that was quite similar except that I was giving up in the letter, I had to write it to see if I could actually write it and be okay with it, okay with her reading it, I wasnt. I couldnt just leave her, I could just be like yeah bro I am done. Because this girl that I get to call mine on the daily is my hero, my best friend, my girlfriend, my life, my everything, the one that i would mind spending the rest of my days with. You say that you are a fuck up and no good and worthless and what not but you arent any of those things, a year ago maybe, maybe you were so lost that you didnt know what you where doing, all you saw it as was finding yourself. So what you got caught up in a bunch of bullshit and so what you are dealing with something that happened a year ago now. It doesnt fucking matter at all, seriously, you are an amazing person, you in my eyes are completely changed from when I first met you. You are so different from everyone in my life, you could be brillant, you are just lazy, I know that is a blow but its true. Stop fucking saying shit about yourself, if you dont like something change it. If it has to do with you than you can change it. You are jobless, get out of jail and get a job. You arent worth something, make yourself worth something. Think people dont like you, dont give a fuck. People dont waste time on you, believe me if you were a waste of my time I would be long gone. you said this post would make me cry and for a second I thought oh its sad, tear tear but no its more pissing me off because you think that I am just going to walk away when your in jail, I told you that I would wait for you. I told you that when you got out I would be here. You make me break so many of my god damn rules and that has to count for something. You are damaged, yeah so is everyone else. You think you have it bad, someone has it worse. Its not bad enough yet em, there are people starving, homeless, jobless. There are people who get beaten on the daily by someone who told them they loved them, there are people who are a long way from home and people that love them trying to make it on their own or fighting for our freedom. There are people that have never once seen there real parents and you take yours for granted, I do to mine to but thats what happens when both parent use you as a punching bag and still do. People have been wrongly accussed and are sitting in prison for 25 to life. People are so doped up right now they couldnt tell you their name. Emily, I love you to death but stop feeling sorry for yourself, you can fix the things you dont like, you have the power to do that. End of story.
You are worring about me, me leaving... Well thats dumb. I am not going anywhere. For one you know way to much, I have to keep you around now. For two, I love you. I dont walk out on the ones I love unless they have given me no other choice. You sit there and cant come up with the words to make me stay, I told you as long as you were trying, I was staying. As long as I get a phone call, a letter. Just one in those 45 days it will keep me hanging on til I can be in your arms again. You gave me hope, and now that hope is telling me to hang on, hope for better days to come, hope that it will be alright because once you get back, we can figure out what we are doing, if we can move in together, if we want to, where we want. We can get it all ready. You my dear, will not lose me, but if you think that you have to say something to make me stay, than say the words that are on your mind, when you see me smile, laugh. Say the words that you think of when my car pulls into your driveway and I am finally by your side again, say the words you would say if I was on my death bed, tell me how you really feel, lay it all out. Give me your all because Im giving you mine. You make me happy and anyone else i wouldnt find the strength to hold on to through this, you are different. Your words will hold me over, thats all we have in this world, is words to go by. This is a test of if this is real, if neither of us break and give up than we win, if we break give up stop fighting to be together, than we never deserved each other. I wish that I could make you see that you are so much more to me than just this broken mess to fix, thats not how I look at it at all, I see this strong indpendent fighter. The one who never gives up, a stubborn hardheaded amazing beautiful girl. The one who I could spend every second with and never find it a waste of time. Time spent with you is time well spent.
I love you, This post probably made you a bit angry but maybe it will clear your head, make you see a little but more than the blinders allow now.
-Nikki. <3
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